Hello . . . It’s me, notorious kitchen rogue Vance Miller, the bloke that’s just had 130 cops knocking on his door at 4.45am on a Thursday morning.

I read January’s KBB Review and noticed there were no comments from myself, so I thought I’d better give you my side of the story as it seems no-one else wants to.

So here goes, 4.45am Thursday morning, knock on the door, I peer through window and see a street and a half full of police cars and police vans.

Oh s***, thinks I, what the hell have I done now?

As I search for my pants, whilst rubbing sleep from my eyes, I wonder what the hell I’ve done. Obviously it's a murder, or they they think I’m Osama Bin Laden's pal. At this stage I’m convinced that they are taking me away for something very serious here, so I open the door and in run lots of policemen who swing me around and handcuff my hands behind my back - so there is no doubt in my mind "It’s definitely me they want".

So I ask what am I being arrested for and I’m told for conspiring to defraud. I enquire further and I’m told that it’s not a police job but a trading standards job and I’m being arrested for conspiring with others to secretly swap real wood carcases for chipboard ones.

At this stage I’m wondering if this is just a strange dream or is Jeremy Beadle about to jump out? Could you imagine how relieved I was to learn that it was all about a carcase and not a terrorist bomb or a murder? So anyhow I get carted off to the local copshop, whilst 40 trading standards officers search my two bedroomed home for eight hours. What on earth took 40 officers 8 hours to search a two bedroomed house?

21 hours later after lying on a spunk stained mattress in a cell and talking to no-one, I’m released without any charge. "What the f*** was that all about" thinks I.

I go directly to my mill where I discover there’s been another 90 cops and trading standards officers and they have taken away every single piece of paper, every filing cabinet, every computer, my telephone system, my security system, all my deliveries, enquiries - absolutely everything, even twenty grand that was in the company safe - once again "Oh s***," thinks I, what on earth am I going to do with 500 workers tomorrow, anyway all the staff bonded closer together and off we all went to work, to deal with the crap we had ahead of us, we have no records of any customer’s complaints yet, we deal with every customer services call swiftly.

I start to wonder why Oldham Trading Standards would cause so much trouble for consumers when they are supposed to be there to help them? Why have they been trying to close my company down for the last five years? They have tried everything in their power, first of all they had my company closed down, then I set up another, so they ban me from being a director, I then set up as a sole proprietor - so they invented a "stop now" order, that doesn’t stop me - even after they send me to jail, they then take away my operators licence so that I can’t run a truck, my answer was to buy 60 vans - so the Ministry of Transport sets up a testing station outside my factory gates where they weigh and test every one of my vans for over a week. They then ask all my advertisers and the A.S.A. not to carry my adverts and even threaten newspapers with court action if they accept my advertisements.

It seems there’s nothing they will stop at to close me down, they have instigated every single Watchdog appearance, Rogue Trader appearance, now they have 130 officers involved in a pathetic attempt to prosecute me for swopping real wood carcases for chipboard ones, why on earth would I bother to do that? when my wood costs me less than chipboard costs me. Anyway, they seriously disrupted my business, and all this stems from one source - and that is Oldham Councils Trading Standards. So a week after my raid a local business contractor comes to visit me and shows me plans that Oldham Council have made for my mill without asking me, he explains to me that five years ago Central Government gave Oldham Council 58 millions pounds to spend on a re-generation plan that involved my mill. So I now have in my possession a set of plans made to change my mill into blocks of offices and yet no-one has ever come to speak to me about it. All the small businesses around my mill have had compulsory purchase orders put on them but as my mill is over 1/2 million sq ft it would be impossible to re-locate me. It would wipe out their 58 million, especially when you add the business disruption costs. So Oldham Councils Trading Standards had a better plan - that was to bankrupt me and take my mill, they’ve now even got the Assets of Crime Team involved as they are saying that all my money has been made through crime and therefore I should forfeit my mill.

So in summary, these little s***s at the Council who have never had the chance to spend 58 million and never will again, have come up with a plan to get rid of me so that they can share out this lolly in lots of brown envelope deals and backhanders. So I have found myself right in the middle of this bullshit and it makes my job hard, but they will never stop me because my product and my staff are too strong.

So here’s answering the statements made in this KBB article:

Trading Standards say that they are now doing forensic examination - what on earth are they doing? Taking blood and saliva samples off my filing cabinets?
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